She thought I would not catch her in the act of it.
She thought I would be distracted enough by watching 'Master and Commander', a ...moo-vay about the His Majesty's Navy not to notice her checking her ee-lact-tron-nak mail.
She, dear ladies and gentlemen, was wrong.
My secretary ... is a slash writer.
Yes, I was quite surprised myself. I honestly believed she and I had reached an understanding. That I knew everything about her. Oh, how sadly I was mistaken.
She won't tell me which stories are hers, of course, but she apparently has written some sort of fanfiction about .. ah ... yes. About a certain person, in my accquaintence, and his, er, emotional attatchment to me.
Yes. Emotional Attatchment.
Insert my sigh here.
Today on Norrington Says - Lieutenants In Love, The Slash Evolution of Gillette.
...I really do not know what to say. It is Gillette, after all. My second-in-command. Loyal and dedicated to a fault.
Er, apparently one fault. Of course, I am not saying that it is a FAULT ... just ... not something I would expect from him. Not that he has let me down in any way by being put in these fanfictions that have him pining for me.
Rather, or ... not to sound egostical. There are naturally those where I am pining over him.
...Not right now! In the stories!
Oh, bloody hell.
Very well, I am going to put this as succiently as possible. By in large, Gillette/Myself fanfiction is a well-written genre. These stories have verve, passion, and a great sense of realism.
On a personal note, as much as I respect Gillette, I would find it flattering that such a young man would have such feelings - however socialably unacceptable. It is not my place to 'judge' the 'wrongness', for in this strange new world what was once wrong has been shown to be quite right. Perhaps wrong all along.
Also, I do have a sense of emotive feeling towards Gillette. He is my second, after all, and of course my friend. He is, despite the many paintbrushes that color him everything from a whiny brat to a colder bastard than I, a dedicated man of the service. Too smart, perhaps, but he never chafes under command.
I am a man who can change his mind. I am not immobile. If Andrew loved me, I would feel flattered, even if I could not feel the same way.
Besides, better a warm and loving relationship than this raping of young blacksmiths that disgusts me so. There is also a plot one can follow, with words of more than two syllables.
...However, I must add this, as it has confused me in the Gillette/Myself fanfiction.
What do the mangos have to do with anything? They are most puzzling.
Your match is Lonely!Norrington, not to be confused with the Angsty!Norrington who lusts after Gillette. Lonely!Norrington tends to be heterosexual and buries himself in his work until a beautiful pirate or damsel in distress passes his way. As any gentleman, he always lends a helping hand...
Yes. I have returned. Research material in hand, and in mind, I've come to defend my honor against the GROSS and HURTFUl accusations on my character and my honor. I would gladly meet any of the writers of this ... absolute filth on any field of battle they so may choose, but as it stands I shall take the pen and use it as my sword.
Let it begin.
Norrington Sez - Why I Am Not A Sexual Deviant OR William Turner Is Not Locked In My Wine Cellar.
I cannot even BELIEVE this is a topic of conversation - but here it stands. Of the 'fan'fiction (and I do mock the word 'fan' in this instance) where young Turner and I seem to be 'slashed' together, the only way I seem to be able to satisfy my unslagged lust is to trick him, chain him up, and rape his as often as I possibly can.
Oh, and let's not forget that he is, of course, in love with either Elizabeth or Jack Sparrow at any given time, so not only am I a perverted monster, I am one who stands in the path of 'true love'.
Bollocks. Absolute, total ... bollocks. I am not a man to curse, but every fictional piece I have come across with this ... pairing has made me want to go for my blade and pistol.
In what context have I ever been cruel? Where is the documented proof that I have not dispensed justice fairly in all cases? I am a man of the Law - and beyond that I am a man who would never - ever take advantage of another human being in such a disgusting and degrading way.
William Turner is in love with Elizabeth Swann, and she him. Whatever my feelings are on the matter, they do not include sodomic vengence!
The same applies to Jack Sparrow - whatever his relationship is with young Turner - I would sooner cut my own throat than use that young man as a way to get my own back. It is conduct unbefitting any officer of the Royal Navy.
To you who would accuse me of such - let it be known that I shall not stand for it. Bring your slings and arrows of bitter recrimination - I shall fend them off with the anger of one truly slandered and dishonored.
Or perhaps I'll just lock you up in my 'cupboard of cruel love', eh?
So endeth the sermon.
For those of you who are kind enough to write me and see that I am not the blackgard I am painted to be by these foul brushes, I tip my hat to you, with most reverent respect. I Thank You.
Clearly, the following little diatribes are going to be ones where I try to explain the oddity of the universe itself. Or at least, the universe of what one would call 'fanfiction writers'.
To explain, allow me to describe the events of what I discovered last night while peering over my 'secretary's' shoulder as she was reading on her com-pewter.
Myself: What's that there, Miss Wren? Miss Wren: Oh! That's a Pirates of the Caribbean fanfic about you and Gilette. Like a ... short story that didn't REALLY happen. Myself: Ahhh... why is it so interesting? Gillette is certainly a conversational fellow, but I wouldn't think our on-deck chats were that riveting. Miss Wren: We-ll, this one is Slash. Myself: *clearly perturbed* I've ...attacked Gillette, with my sword? Whatever for? Miss Wren: *Long pause. Another long pause. Clearing her throat* Actually, Commodore...
Then she sat me down, and explained 'slash-fanfiction' to me.
...I have to say I do not know who left the conversation more embarrrassed, her or me. I mean, really. I know I am a healthy young man in my prime, with ... certain urges, and I am not one to judge on where urges come from... I clearly need to understand this phenomenon more.
So, my next few weeks will be dedicated to piecing apart the varying ...'pairings' I am found in with with other ...gentlemen. And J- I can't even say the name right now. Just .. No.
So ladies and gentlemen, welcome to:
Norrington Says - Slash WHAT? With WHO?
To be continued when I have further research material, and after I have chased down pirates for the week.
...But not for sexual purposes! I .. oh bloody hell.
Sincerly yours in Confusion, Commodore J. Norrington
I have been asked, and therefore shall dully report, on a subject that seems to be of some interest to you out there. Apparently everyone knows how Jack Sparrow feels about the illfamed Captain Barbossa, but many of you have asked how I myself see the formerly of this world pirate.
So I grant to you - Norrington Says ...Barbossa the Bloody Bastard.
Pardon me for my strong language, but there it is. The man is a ... well, he's a bloody bastard, that is what he is.
Let us start with how he bothers me, personally. Starting with the fact that He Blew Up My Ship. Yes, Sparrow took it. Yes, his pirate friends commendeered it. However they had every intention of sailing it. We will not step into the fact that they were sailing it to rob and pilliage ... that is for another entry. They were sailors. They were going to use it.
Barbossa Blew Up My Ship. For no better reason than he liked causing destruction. There is a word for that - it's called Psychotic.
Of course, perhaps it is better that he didn't. Look what he did to the Black Pearl. I may not have much respect for Sparrow, but the man understands the fact that a ship is more than just a deck and a mast. It is, by in large, a reflection of how much one loves his lifetime passion - the sea. The more a ship is cared for, the more the impression is made that a GOOD Captain sails her.
What Barbossa did to the Pearl makes me personally ILL. Sails torn, holes in the side, leaks everywhere ... I really don't care if you are cursed for all eternity because of your own damned greed. You take care of your ship.
However ... beyond all that ....and I cannot believe I have to step this far for a man already so evil ... Mutiny and Desertation. These are, perhaps to a sailor, two of the greatest sins you can commit, especially without justification. There have been cases where the captain has to be subdued, but there are that many more where the crime has been no larger than greed.
Barbossa's greed nearly killed Sparrow ... who, despite my personal issues with, is a good man, and a good Captain. If Barbossa went through Hell with his curse, he didn't suffer enough. Never can, never will.
...And he blew up my ship.
Bloody bastard.
Right, perhaps next week we can speak of something that doesn't make me want to wring the neck of the dead boney corpse of an evil old man.
As part of my weird enslavement ... that is what I am calling this odd kidnapping by my 'secretary' of all people, I have been given access to apparently state my opinion on just about whatever I want.
Including what other people say. Hm. One really shouldn't given free range of thought to an Englishman; we tend to get snarky after about twenty minutes on any subject imaginable.
However, since Gilette is managing the ship's affairs, I might as well say something on a subject I find is popular on Sparrow's journal.
So...
Norrington Says ... Rum, The Automatic Stupid Drink.
Really, it's far too apt. I've found that once any reasonable, intelligent person has imbibed even one CUP of rum, their intelligence plunges like a barometer in a squall, and for some reason the only cohererant thought they can process is, 'Well, I feel rather dull to the five senses and somewhat in a mental stupor... let's have more rum!'
Clearly, this logic only makes the situation worst.
I do find it comforting that it is mostly the wastrels that decide that beyond a life of crime, they will drink copious amounts of this alcohal. It makes it ever so much easier to round them up for prison, as they are usually too idiotic to realize where they are until the effects of the 'stupid drink' has worn off.
My 'secretary' (see - kidnapper) has informed me that there are also a number of people who chose to temper rum with something called 'Coke'. I must applaud this action, for even half-stupidity is better than a full on dose. Huzzah, to you, ladies and gentlemen, who are wise enough to know the folly of the Stupid Drink.
I am also well aware that Sparrow drinks this religiously. I think with that fact clearly placed before you, that my point has been beautifully made.
pleased
curious
contemplative
aggravated
quixotic